Mission of ESD
Respond to any emotional attack with love. Practice dealing with rejection, guilt tripping, being ignored, praised, and more, so that we can keep our hearts open.
The Goal
End the interaction feeling more connected to the person than you did when you started.
The challenge
Do this despite everything in your body telling you to emotionally attack this person or yourself.
STEP 1
TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW YOU ARE FEELING.
Step one is about connecting to yourself. Telling the truth about how you are feeling. It is OK to feel whatever it is that you feel. It is about defending your self-worth. It is about recognizing that you are a human that feels many different things and are no better or worse than anyone.
STEP 2
TELL THE OTHER PERSON HOW YOU IMAGINE THEY MIGHT BE FEELING.
Step two is about connecting to the other person. It is very easy to dehumanize the other person in these situations. Step two helps you realize that the other person is a human struggling through the world just like you. They are no better or worse than you.
STEP 3
SAY ONE THING TO CONNECT WITH LOVE.
Step three is about connecting to each other. It is apologizing, forgiving, thanking, hoping that they’ll have a better day. It is about expressing the care that you feel. If you’ve done steps one and two correctly, then step three is easy.
How it started
Defend my self-worth while simultaneously defending the self-worth of others.
I created Emotional Self-Defense because I needed it. One day, in the fall of 2014, I received an email from my ex-girlfriend who said something like, “Every time I was about to leave, you would do something nice so I wouldn’t go.” I read this, opened up iFeelio, and quickly typed that I was pissed–“this woman thinks I manipulated her.” A few seconds later, I typed that I was feeling sad and ashamed–“have I been manipulating her for the last few years? I thought I was in love.” For the rest of the evening, I was destroyed.
The next morning, I visited a friend who had offered me a scalp massage. After a heavenly head rub, I returned home to sit in my recliner, letting my body relax even further. After a few minutes, I said to myself, “I wasn’t doing those nice things so she wouldn’t leave, I was savoring the moment–just like when there is a little bit of beer left, I was slowing down to enjoy it while it was still there.” Then I said, “I wasn’t doing those nice things so she wouldn’t leave, I was giving her things that I thought would delight her and which would delight me in giving them.” And then I said to myself:
“If I can’t trust my own good intentions, who the hell will?”
It is from there that Emotional Self-Defense was born. I decided that I wanted to train myself in dealing with these emotionally-charged situations and I didn’t see any systems out there. Taking my love for Krav Maga, a very practical physical self-defense technique, and my experience with iFeelio and emotional communication, I created Emotional Self-Defense.
Who created it
Jim Kleiber
I grew up in a suburb north of Detroit, MI, until I was 18 and have since interacted with countless people around the world. After living and working in the US, Latin America, Europe, and Africa, I realized that at the root of human communication was emotion.
Unfortunately, I had no idea how to have conversations about my emotions. I never thought about going to see a psychologist and instead, decided to create my own tool–iFeelio, an app for me to privately and directly reflect on my feelings–to learn how to communicate my emotions.
After using iFeelio for two years, and learning a LOT, I realized that I wanted something more intense so I could learn even faster. For this and many other reasons, I created Emotional Self-Defense. I blend my consulting skills from Fortune 500s and East Africa, Cuban salsa teaching skills, emotional communication skills, Krav Maga skills, and engineering mind in developing this practical and highly interdisciplinary approach to turning emotional abuse into emotional connection.
Where I’ve taught ESD
At home & overseas
I began teaching the class in Oakland, CA, at the beginning of 2015. In the US, I have run classes at the Impact Hub Oakland and San Jose State University; in Eurasia, I have run classes in Germany, Cyprus, Dubai (UAE), Romania, Macedonia, and Greece; and in Africa, I have run classes in Ethiopia, Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, and Mozambique. I have taught students from more than 20 different nationalities and some of these students have successfully used the techniques in multiple languages, including Greek, Romanian, Turkish, Italian, Macedonian, and Polish.
Online
After running so many classes in person, I realized that if I were to run classes online, I could reach many more people. People could practice whenever they want from wherever they had access to internet. While experimenting with the audio drills, I realized that people could train in their own homes, providing a more convenient and private way for them to challenge their emotional limits.
Drills
If you’re not sure what this is all about, give it a try. The following is a demo playlist where I’ve included the introduction/sample drills for the different types of drills currently on the platform. Once you sign up, you will have access to all the drills plus a way to sort/search/filter the drills, including playlists by me and even a way to create custom playlists.
Forum
While we can learn from the drills, some of the best learnings at in-person workshops happen in the group reflection that happens after the exercise. By signing up for the ESD Group plan, you’ll get access to reflect with others using an online forum.
Testimonials
Jim, you need to slow down, this is advanced ninja sh*t.
—First student of ESD
Jim, your workshop, it f*cked my feelings, but they needed it. Thank you.
—Participant at a workshop in Germany
These audios helped me so much.
– Einstein
Pricing
- Access all 170 unique audio drills (23 five-minute and 20 ten-minute ones), which is over 7 hours of drills, with more being added each week.
Everything in SOLO, plus...
- Access the ESD HQ Forum, to learn with others through group reflection on the drills and more.
*Hellō is a universal login platform that will create an account on this site or log you in if you already have one
Frequently Asked Questions
What types of topics do the drills cover?
As of now, the drills aim to cover topics that will apply to most people: relationships with our body, finances, family members, colleagues, and more. Over time, will add more topics and may create new formats as well.
How will these drills help me in my life?
They can help you get better at reflecting on how you feel and how others feel. They can help you better articulate how you feel. They can help you practice dealing with conflict that you’ve been avoiding. They can help you deal with conflict before it even happens.
Why is the price so high/low?
I have wanted to have a place where anyone around the world can train in these skills. However, I’ve struggled to find a price that works for people across economic divides. So I’ve set the prices for what I think will work for many and then enabled the option for people to pay more or less if they’d like. I’ve also tried to build the platform so that it will scale well, so if people decide they want to pay less, I should still be OK from a cost standpoint.
How should I prepare for these drills?
I’d say to start with the demos and practice there. You can also listen to the Daily 5 drills, which are shorter and more likely to be less intense. However, they may be more intense than you expect.
How do I know I’m ready for these drills?
I think you might be ready and then not ready and then ready and then not. Your “readiness” may fluctuate and that’s OK. So I say, if you feel ready now, go for it, and if at any point you no longer feel ready, it’s OK to stop.
When do you recommend that I *don’t* do these drills?
Maybe when you’re already feeling a bit raw and vulnerable and at your limit. The idea is to blow past our limits but to find them, challenge them, stretch them a bit. So I’d be a bit careful if I were already feeling quite raw. Also, I wouldn’t suggest you do them while doing some other activity requiring focus, like driving or something else.
Do you know which audios people listen to?
I have no idea which audios people are using. I know who signs up for the platform when they give me their name and email address and other things related to their subscription being active or not. I do not know who listens to which audio classes at which times. The information may be stored somewhere in the website server or on the AWS S3 storage I use to host the files, yet I don’t currently know or want to know how to dig into that.
I do not want to know to which audio classes you’re listening unless you want to tell me. I believe deeply in people’s rights to disclose their information at their own discretion, not me trying to track your stuff.
Am I doing it right?
There is no “right” way to do it. I believe strongly in the principle of practice, not perfect. Practice and reflect and see how things are helping or aren’t helping you. Then practice again 🙂
How often should I listen to the audios?
As often as you want to…it’s not a competition. The idea is to have tools to help us practice communicating–to ourselves and to others–so that we feel more confident in some of the hardest conversations.
How do I cancel my subscription?
- Login to this website.
- Click on the “Account” link in the top menu of the page.
- Click on the Billing tab.
- Choose cancel your subscription.
Can I update my email address or other personal information?
Yes. Simple click update your Hellō info to visit your Hellō account for this site and update the info there.
How do I reset my password?
Since the site uses Hellō to login, you don’t have a password for ESD. To change how you login to your Hellō profile (through email, phone, Google, etc.), please visit your Hellō profile directly.